The @beyonce Chronicles: Before, During, And After The BeyMAs

Photo Courtesy of Rap Up

Ok guys I was gone for a minute now I'm back with the jumpoff *Lil Him voice* I wanted to post my take on the BeyMAs on Monday but I was dead to the bed y'all, fr fr. Anywho, I'm here now and better late than never, right? If you don't agree then too damn bad. I will split the BeyMAs, accordingly, into before, during, and after Beyonce...because her performance was central to the existence of the entire show.

BEFORE BEYONCE

Queen Ariana brought her non dancing ass out there and SLEIGHED thee entire FUCK outta the vocals on "Break Free" you hear me?!? I was up in the rafters shouting!


Then EMPRESS ONIKA brought her teasing ass out there all of damn near nekkid letting bitches hump on her like WTF IS LIFE RIGHT NOW?!? WHAT IS AIR?!? That muthafuckin white chick with the cornrows is a gahtdamn professional! I tip my hat to her ass because given the opportunity to hump Onika, any and ALL choreo woulda flown straight out the window. Chhh...


To make matters worse Le Empress came back out for "Bang Bang" with ne'er a stich o' undergarments beneath her unfastened ass dress. When I tell you she was holding on to that dress with every bit of life she possessed?!? I was CRINE! I lowkey wanted her to let go but I knew she shouldn't. Jessie J makes me uncomfortable but as a unit they fucked that performance UP! 


Some other people performed but I honestly blacked out until Onika came back onstage for that awkward ass performance with Usher. I personally don't like the song and cut it down to just her verse so that I never have to endure the torture of that song and certainly not a live performance. It's just so uncomfortable to watch, what with him being so glaringly homosexual. Like why would he ever bump his head on her butt??? I'm schleep. And when he gheyly slapped her butt she looked like she wanted to punch him dead in the throat.


DURING BEYONCE


Let me start off with the disclaimer that I am not a member of #TheHive. That being said KING BEY came dressed as the Sistine Chapel and bestowed upon us all of the blessings that God saw fit for us to recieve. His will was done and my cup runneth over. She performed every song from her album, with choreo, with LIVE vocals, without sounding short of breath....this bitch is truly a mythical creature. Like she can't be real. I'm no stan BUT after watching this performance I can understand how one gets caught up in the rapture and ambience that is in and of Beyonce. Lest we forget the slayyyage that is the incomparable BLUE IVY


AFTER BEYONCE

Pikachu Tran took it upon herself to allow Black EMBARRASSMENT Network to use her as a vessel of dumbassness and parrot a dry ass tired Blue Ivy hair joke. So this what we're doing now!? Attacking defenseless toddlers and shaming little black girls about the natural state of their hair on a channel that's supposed to be devoted to the empowerment of our people? Oh. And using a MIXED BITCH to do it?! If that wasn't 50 shades of dumb AF I don't know what is. Then Karicature got her ass online all flustered and apologetic. She should've been flustered and apologetic to 106 as she explained why TF she didn't read what was on the teleprompter. I woulda put on the Floyd Mayweather filter quick as shit! 

                                                         

Then Stephen Hill released a tired ass apology on twitter after Kilimanjaro, 106, and BET tired of their faces being drug off. You know The Hive is ruthless. Apology not accepted. And suddenly 106 is on a hiatus. Surprise, surprise. I'm sure The Carters hit up The Man Upstairs for a favor like "Ayyye God. Handle that."



Last but certainly not least is Tamar, who stepped in the line of fire and got her ass drug by The Hive too. She posted on IG defending her edgelessness and put HAVE in ALL CAPS like who TF you coming for? You still going back and forth with K Michelle like a dumbass but why the CAPS? And anyways if you're gonna prove you have edges I need a current selfie. Not no old ass pic from a year ago. Bye girl. At any rate this was made and I cried real tears:



I'm officially writing this from the hereafter.

Natasha Marie



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