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Unwanted Music: @LilKim - The Hardcore Mixtape

Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly. I can fully understand why you dropped The Hardcore Mixtape on 9/11. This is certainly a tragic day in American history. Hip hop mourns the death of your career. I wanted soooo badly for you to succeed. I thought if there was ever an artist gully enough to come back from the deep abyss that is irrelevancy, it was you. But no sir you did not redeem yourself. In fact, my good man, you did the polar opposite. This trash bag of a mixtape is borderline criminal. The only bars you deserve to see are in a jailhouse. I hope they lock you up in Ms. Trunchbull's chokey and throw TF away the key. You wanna know why I'm really mad? Because we CLEARLY wanted this more for you than you wanted it for yourself. You took your geriatric ass into the studio and dismantled the hopes and dreams of all 7 Lil Kim stans, verse by verse. And although it pains me to do so I'm gonna go through every track and tell you where, when, how, and why you were dead TF ass wrong.

1. Intro

You thought the way to reintroduce yourself to the public...was by having some perverts...reminiscing on how fat your vagina was back in the day...

2. Stadium Music (Feat. Yo Gotti)

I can't name one Yo Gotti song and this track will be no exception. That was your first mistake. Well, second. Your first was darkening the doorway of ANYBODY's studio to make this atrocious floppy disc. God tried to save you. He crashed your site with ne'er a download and yet you went against His Will and released it anyways. You seriously think 1 million people were simultaneously checking for you? Let that marinate. That's why He smited you. Then you call yourself the "Black Khardashian". GWORL. The disrespect. Knowing you over there looking like Bruce Jenner.

3. Identity Theft

I reviewed this childish ass monstrosity when she first released it so my thoughts are here [review].

4. Real Sick (Feat. Jadakiss)

Jadakiss hasn't been relevant since before I could talk. He shouts out The Lox...enough said. Kimberly, riddle me this: did you read AT ALL in prison? And I'm not talking about Dr. Suess or coloring books. Did you real life devour any sort of literature?!? I don't understand why your flow is stuck in the 90s. And it's not even the type of music that makes you nostalgic for the good ol' days. It's that bullshit when you look at old pictures and think WTF was I wearing?!? So tell me Kim. What are you wearing? Besides disgrace and humiliation?

5. Trendsetter

Yes. You are trending. The sheer force of your failure is shining so brightly even Jesus himself is blinded by it. I don't know if this is autotune or you were inspired by Future's crying but I've had enough.

6. MIGO (Feat. TLZ and Young Bonds)

WHOTF ARE THESE GENTLEMEN?!? No. Just no. Return these fools to the projects post haste. Please tell me you paid them in trident layers. But be that as it may I'm gonna need for you to go getcho gum back. Right now dammit. And whyyyy is dude pigeon squawking in the chorus? I. AM. IN. TEARS. You've outdone yourself Kimmy. Just when I thought you couldn't sink any lower the next track plays and I'm like 

7. Whenever You See (Feat. Cassidy)

Slow year huh, Cassidy? Am I missing something? Is Kim unawares that she is 123 years old? Like why does she think it's okay to make references to her wrinkly old vagina? And don't ruin classic songs with your vulgar nonsense. I didn't ask for this. Nor did  Lauryn or 50. Even YOUR STANS don't want you no more. Hell hath no fury like a stan scorned. I was reading your mentions like

8. Work The Pole

That was the longest 1:56 of my life. I'm appalled that you think I want to envision you *gags* MA'AM. YOU ARE ENTIRELY TOO OLD FOR THIS. You is rude. You is ignant. And you is trifling.

9. Suicide (Feat. French Montana)

This was probably the only track that didn't completely offend me and this was mostly due to French. Why would he even collab with you though? Somehow I envision this

10. Dead Gal Walking

*hangs head* I just...why are you doing this horrible ass accent? Are you even Caribbean? Have you no Caribbean friends that could've told you this was most certainly a resounding HELLLLLLL NO??? Fire your team.

11. Kimmie Blanco

If there was EVER a time for you to be told that you are not nor will you ever be notorious enough to be affiliated with Griselda Blanco that time is now. You went to prison for perjury, hun. Dassit. I'm sure you learned some invaluable skills in the pen but you're no mafia/cartel leader. Meanwhile this song probably has Griselda rolling around in her grave at your blatant audacity.

12. Haterz (Feat. B Ford)

Haterz/Man I can't stand me a muthafuckin hater/Mmm mmm mmm/Damn shame/Damn I got some haterz Oh thee EYE-RUH-KNEE. It seems to me you spend what's left of your career doing just that. Do us all a favor:

I've decided that this mixtape is a parody. And no one can convince me otherwise. I was entertained. You said forget my roots I'm gonna give you the many masks of Kim: ratchet ATL, non-reading slave, prison parolee, and dreadful island nonsense. No Brooklyn to be found. Welp you succeeded in one thing: convincing me your ass is senile. Dassit. I can't take no more from you. The time to bow out gracefully has passed. This is career suicide. Girl just pick a symbol and start going by The Artist Formerly Known As Kimberly. 

I bid you adieu.

Natasha Marie

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